It’s the first time in a long time where things were going smoothly. Then things went crashing down and I couldn’t stop it. I kept prying at it; I had to know. I mean, you wanted me to know. And, for some odd reason it hurt more than it should have. I didnt fall for you because I knew it wasn’t going to get any further than this. But to know the truth seemed to suck the life out of me. I guess I gave you too much credit for being this way. But all it led to was just some childish game of tag.
And yeah, I feel bad. I know I shouldn’t but I do. For simply stopping, for even thinking that this life of ours could have some how worked the way I wanted it to. Have fun with the others because I’m sure they’ll stop as soon as you spill your guts to them.
We were under the covers. Those thin, white covers. As the sunlight beams shoot through it, I’m blinded. But, I know that I shouldn’t be afraid of my unsighted eyes for you were there lying next to me. We rustle ‘round and I can hear a distant laugh. A sweet smell of warmth and laughter. My eyes half open, but I can feel you staring at me with that beautiful smile. Somehow it felt more magical than I imagined. Your skin touching mine, your soothing voice. And before I realized it I was looking down at you. We’re out of breath but thankfully the monsters under the bed have finally ceased. And as your soft eyes fall into a hypnotic daze with mine; dancing with each other, I pull in just a little closer for you to feel my breath on your cheek. Your hands in my hair, my neck, and my body can’t help but get a wave of goosebumps.
I couldn’t stop myself.
Everything seems to fall out of focus, fade off gently. Your voice so distant and I finally stare up realizing I was in bed alone.
Sometimes I wonder,
But why do I torture myself
With such infinite questions of insignificant people?
Bothered some emotions all bottled up.
You barely even care.
With eyes always wandering off.
I am hungry but too tired to try anymore.
I need things to fade.
To finally focus and concentrate on the right things.
A day wasted to senseless dreams and mindless thinking.
Dry lips so ready to get moist.
All I really have now is time to waste.
I need to keep reminding myself that all of this, this wonderfulness, this misery, it’s all temporary.
It was the first time in a long time where I saw your face and I wasn’t angry. I still feel like the rebellious teenager. Maybe ‘cause you weren’t there when I actually was one. To think that life was so difficult. How could you just disappear and I feel it happening all over again. How much time does this need to take from me before you’ll notice because I can tell by that time you’ll have none left.
Visions of impurity constantly come into play.
I can barely help it. Without any notice they appear
And sometimes I enjoy ‘em, but I know well enough that they’ll destroy me.
For what I want will never happen, what I need to hear will never be whispered into my ears.
‘Cause I can talk the big talk and say I can live without it, but when I’m alone it gets hard for me to breath.
I hope that every single time, you’re choking on your words and you’re biting your tongue.
These thoughts form with such ease. Maybe you’re thinking the same.
What a waste.
What makes you more desirable?
Undeniable; so fuckin’ wanted.
It’s witching hour and I can barely ease my eyes. It’s running without any tired limbs.
I smell the alcohol on your breathe
Burns like gasoline in my lungs.
And as I inhale it turns into such bitter sweetness.
And this couldn’t be anymore awkward but it’s only awkward if you make it, right?
So my mind is anything but in that state of emotion.
We stand and I turn the lights off ‘cause without anything your eyes are burning the clothes off my back…
Life is cruel and life is pretty fuckin fucked up.
Who knew chances would make changes end up this way.
We can’t seem to adjust this monotone sight of yours ‘cause this space isn’t enough
And in a sense it would’ve been better if the unheard of happened.
‘Cause how could one lie through their teeth and even have the nerve to justify such unjustifed actions?
How ignorant.
So apparent that it burnt holes on my tongue, unable to speak.
And I lack any emotion to even care.
And then you wonder why I have none to show for you overgrown children.
We never seem to be enough and I know anyone would love to have this.
You never had the answers and I wonder why we still are willing to stick around with such a burden.
How timely you happen to be.
I’ve learned from the best to be emotion free.
Be patient ‘cause it’ll eat you whole.
I haven’t been myself lately. Well.. actually this is me. But, I don’t like it. I’ve been way too down and I don’t feel too good emotionally. I don’t fully know why. THIS IS ME. I’ve never felt any different I guess. Just a temporary high and then I come crashing down. I realized today that I don’t have a true friend. Nothing personal of course. But, when will my feelings be reciprocated? It’s not enough, it’s never enough. ‘Cause once I choose a path of informality, no one could’ve guessed it.
And I suppose, I’m meant to feel this way.
Temptation is so close to destroying me. My palms are sweating and my nerves in my wrist won’t keep still. These false representations won’t leave this head of mine and all for what, that simple uninterested touch? Overlooking your purposely made mistakes. I don’t even feel a bit of shame.
I just wanna see what you would say and maybe get some action along the way.
I’m unstable.
I can barely help it, I breathe it.
Seconds of unmissable chances and yet I let them slip away ‘cause my life is all jumbled up and I can hardly keep my feet straight. In desperation I send out words flying across the room, my nerves getting the best of my voice. Am I suppose to feel this way? Why won’t you just take it and fuckin’ run? I’ve given my everything and yet it doesn’t seem to be enough. Whose thoughts are those? Unmistakably right.
They fall so heavily on my face, unable to do anything but look at the darkness of my eyelids. The sound of my breathing, it’s so misunderstood. Uncontrollable my body takes a toll for the hard surface to catch me. My lips tingle and I can’t help but bite them. I sway, I seem to stray away from my consciousness. Unrooted from time. Your presence is anything, but needed.
It’s funny how one can only be poisonously blind to make a move.
And the other, barricaded by a streamless line of 3G.
Who knew shit could be this difficult.
A touch so unsteadily unable to compose itself without any fuckin’ barrier.
No turning back, plays constantly over and over again.
Such confidence it can blow hot air balloons away and the other, a sinking ship.
And yet I’m not worthy in a genuine presence.
For in any situation this would’ve lifted me right up
Steadily unstable; second guessing myself.
Who knew such an unexpecting encounter would corrupt into a million pieces of fairy dust. Make a wish.
Let’s just blow the light bulbs out.
Possible gets is upgrade to probable.
